This page was last modified Thursday, 24-Jul-2008 21:05:16 EDT.
Here are some jokes I've found.
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[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday]
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A cowboy got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy asked, "Having some problems with them circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms and ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper merely says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a couple of minutes he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy replies, "Oh no, Officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Customer Service
It happened at the Denver Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the Guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate Customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the United Airlines Gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed His way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her Public Address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in
the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just
ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see..." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
End Of Times Newsletter
January 23, 2004
6:06 pm
by: Kissy England
The world will not be the same after a shocking murder that occured
last night. Hope was killed in the River of Dreams. Her body washed
ashore and was found by a fisherman. Father Time has been indicated
as the killer. When authorities went to his abode and questioned him
he replied "yeah I killed the little tease....always promising this
and that and then never delivering the goods....I did everyone a
favor."
Time's attorney, Gon A. Fuqup, stated that they will be pleading
temporary insanity due to old age.
This reporter is saddend by the unfortunate loss of Hope.
How to give a cat a pill.
How to give a dog a pill.
John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral
outside Washington as part of his campaign.
Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've
been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position
on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of
$100,000 if, during your sermon, you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.
Kerry shows up with ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN reporters and cameras in tow. As the
Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily: "John Kerry is petty, a self
absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He's no
friend of the military or the intelligence community, doesn't understand even
what it means to be in the middle class, much less in poverty, and he is just
about the worst example of a Catholic or human being I've ever personally known.
But compared to Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton, John Kerry is a saint."
The way people get sued these days have you ever wandered what it would have
been like in days gone by when Jesus was born?
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a
21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth
to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of
this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth
Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to
expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments
may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known
only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that
God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a
failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel
of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was
quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are
planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch
Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it
rather humorous.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or
should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey, where
the streets are paved with gold.
But the husband couldn't find any work. His family is going hungry, so he takes
a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree,
and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the
Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, and
stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down
the hill and lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight
home, while the black man yells at him.
Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make
some nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things"
she inquires?
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I
kept hearing Him yelling: "THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!"
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting. Thought you'd might like to see what happened to me
last week.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When
I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him
and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared
at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him
a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes...
... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day; it's important at my age ...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his
hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady
little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die you
gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the
chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn
he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I
was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a
bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25mph down a quiet residential
street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to
snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of
the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That
should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have, The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely
kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one
would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even
an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Twisted Evil
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the
force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing
impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather anti-social and
extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with
him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing and now, I could not reach him. I was startled, to
say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand
(the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a
healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on
the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at
maybe 50mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one
wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not
want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet
figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I
did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive
power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to
this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of
death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure
my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however.
The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the
moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably
80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of
the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a
little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him
out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a
quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving
at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with
all his strength throws a live
squirrel grenade into your police car.
I heard screams.
This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to
the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire
smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up
(and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me
at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were
flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab
walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who
had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at
his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting, 13....13....13
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting 14....14....14
...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Added 12 July 2008, 14:30 EST.
Why you should shut down your computer at night! When you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. It's 2 A M and do you know where your icons are and what they are doing? Click on this site and you will see what happens when you leave the computer on during the night.
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
Added 12 July 2008, 14:40 EST.
