Page of Quotations

Some quotations I've collected; funny, poignant, religious, inspirational, silly, disgusting, basically anything I liked. I've tried to cite them when possible.

Life

Year 2008

A toast, to Leela! She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things. – Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, The Problem With Popplers, Futurama.
I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand. – Fry
That's stupid. – Leela. The Problem With Popplers, Futurama
Why did that Corvette-looking Nissan look like a Corvette? - Nick
That's pretty redundant. - Me
No it's not! It's ... sentence reinforcement. - Nick
That's like me saying, The very wet water-filled waterfall was very wet. - Me
That's a tongue-twister. - David. 26 June, around 14:30 CST, driving to the Hundley's timeshare.
Mm, I kinda like this. I think world domination might be my thing. – David regarding Risk, 00:15, 26 June. (Later divided his pieces between Natalie and Nick after I gave my pieces to Natalie. We celebrated her birthday 25 June.)
they called their film bend it like beckham but they were wrong it should have been light - bend it like gravity – #ubuntu-offtopic topic. 6 May, 1 pm.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous. – Albert Einstein
you can't be upset when you get pregnant by doing the only thing that causes pregnancy. - fushigi-na-chou
Ounce is gone and God is once. – Pictures from Steal This Album! by System of a Down, 1:48-1:49.
Stupid people do stupid things / Smart people outsmart each other / then themselves then themselves. – DDevil from System of a Down by System of a Down, 0:44-0:51. I've always loved this verse and finally decided to quote it.

Year 2007

Miscellaneous

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us. – Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question. (Note: I found this webpage by entering like such as into Google.)
"I say we should all learn sign language as a universal language. But I guess it wouldn't be so good over the phone." - My brother Nick, in response to our father continually mispronouncing "tortilla" and "quesadilla". 16 December 2007, 9:15 pm.
uhmmm normal is a setting on a washing machine. Aside from that it's meaningless. :) - in response to being told something was not normal, from a Christian with the username tulc
In reality, there are no biblical literalists, only selective literalists. By abolishing slavery, adopting civil rights, having women as teachers, millions of Christians have rejected biblical literalism. - attributed to William Toffin
"There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking." - Thomas Edison
'When you can't run anymore you crawl, and when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.' - "The Message", Firefly
'Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carrying a bullet for you right now and don't even know it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you.' - Mal, "The Message", Firefly
"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish." - Mother Teresa
"Here's a good question for you: Why have public schools at all? OK, cue the marching music. We need public schools because blah blah blah and yada yada yada. We could say blah is common culture and yada is the government's interest in promoting the general welfare. Or that children are the future. And a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Because we can't leave any child behind. The problem with all these bromides is that they leave out the simple fact that one of the surest ways to leave a kid 'behind' is to hand him over to the government. Americans want universal education, just as they want universally safe food. But nobody believes that the government should run nearly all of the restaurants, farms and supermarkets. Why should it run the vast majority of the schools - particularly when it gets terrible results?" - Jonah Goldberg
"Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of government. The history of liberty is the history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power, not the increase of it." - Woodrow Wilson
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy - daphnechen93 from IMDb
"Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth" (Catechism of the Catholic Church 159). - Adam, Eve, and Evolution

Family

"I had this weird dream where a fetus was growing outside the womb, and it liked me. It kept kissing my elbow, and I grew attached to it." - David
"The literal interpretation of that dream is that you're involved in something, something you created, and you're repulsed by it but feel some sort of responsibility for it." - Sarah
"I feel like that every time I go number two..." - Nick. May 26, dinner at a nice Italian restaurant
"Dude, there's this guy in Felder Hall who beats everyone in chess. You need to play him; he's undefeated." -- Nick
"What's his name?" -- Me
"I don't know. He's chinese." -- Nick
"If he's Chinese, then maybe he's a descendent of Genghis Khan." -- Mom

Year 2006

As for smoking, I don't know of anything good that's ever come from it. Cigarettes are a highly artificial thing created exclusively for profit, and they do absolutely nothing except poison the body and pollute the atmosphere. I believe in the saying "Your rights end where mine begin," and no one has the right to force me to breathe in smoke as I walk past them, or breathe in smoke while I dine. Doing meth and crack isn't legal, so why are cigarettes? - Me, Illegalize smoking. 22:50, June 20, 2006.
- Mm. Why do Snickers bars taste so good? - Me
- They're packed with the souls of little children. - Kawan
Destiny is a name often given in retrospect to choices that had dramatic consequences. – J.K. Rowling, FAQ: About the Books
Rope! It is like string, only manlier! (goes off to play with it) – Jorgen von Strangle, Fairy Idol, The Fairly OddParents
Ah, mm, look at me! I'm a tasty nacho! With third-degree burns!! - Cosmo, Wish Fixers, The Fairly OddParents
"Dude, I dunno why I like Crunch Berries so much. It's like dog food for people." - Nick, 10:50 AM, May 14.
- "My timing couldn't have been better; it's starting to rain." - Me
- "Oh, hell no! I was gonna wash my car. Lemme go see..." (walks over and opens front door) - Nick
- "Shh, look, look. You hear that? ... Sounds like dryness." - Nick
- "Dude, look at the specks of water on my glasses." - Me
- "... shut up. You spit on yourself." - Nick, 10:30 PM, May 13th
"I think the truly popular people don't worry about being popular." - Me, May 10th, 10:09 PM.
Excellence is not an act but a habit. The things you do the most are the things you will do the best. - Marva Collins (Ms Bolt gave this to me one day while I attended ORHS; either in 11th or 12th grade, I think.)
"Stupid people live in the moment, without thought for past or future. Without the former they will never learn, and without the latter will never succeed." - Me, reflecting on Pride and Prejudice p204 (Ch 49.) 6:15 PM, April 30th.
I tried to harrass Anthony for a dollar so I could go buy some lead for my mechanical pencil.
- Oh, come on! You don't believe in charity?! - Me
- I don't believe in charity! It is investing in poverty. - Anthony
- Aw, you don't believe in generosity? - Me
- No: Sharing your time is generosity. Sharing your knowledge is generosity. Sharing money is bullshit. - Anthony
"You know, cigarettes aren't good for you! They make your breath stink, your lungs dirty, and then you die." - Rudy Huxtable, "Calling Dr. Huxtable"
"This is a pool game, not a blitskrieg! I think I'll invade you!" - Three Stooges, I'll Never Heil Again. Moe after they all shoot at once
- It really is a guitar! And all this time I thought they were guns... - Mistina
- No, they really are guns! They're inside the guitar... - Mistina
- Yeah, hit the wrong chord and BAM! - Me. Jan 23, 2006, 7:02 PM. Anime Club dinner at the JUB
- "I've discovered the way to annoy people!" - Me
- "Discovered? You've been doing that since you were three!" - Mom, Jan. 3, 2006
- "David might be sick. I dunno, he HAS been coughing a while." - Mom
- "Maybe he has walking leukemia." - Nick (He meant to say 'pneumonia'.)
- Haha, man, that would suck. All your hair would just randomly fall out. 'Crap, I have leukemia again!' - Me, Jan. 4, 2006

Year 2005

Fall Semester 2005 at MTSU

"Did I just step on your foot or was that a chair?" - Mr. Bills, Music Theory 1, Monday, Sept 19 2005.

12th grade, 2004-2005

- "His slideshow has 73 slides..." - Mr. Goins, World Geography
- "Really? D'you set them to go automatically -- do they go automatically?" - a girl
- "... if you push a button..." -- Tim Hagstrom
- Women can do anything men can do, only better. - Feminist
- Grow an erect penis. - My reply (1st Period Economics class)
- Who would you follow, Mr. Vogle? Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcom X? - Mr. Goins
- "Um... I think I'd go with Dr. King." - Mr. Vogle
- "Okay. Why?" - Mr. Goins
- " -- 'cause you're white?" - Tim Hagstrom
About Nick's ACT score, June 11, 2005...
- So how'd you do? - Dad
- Well, let's put it this way. I probably dropped the national average by twenty percent. - Nick
Quotations on my birthday (August 10th, 2005)
- C'mon, now, you gotta admit it; I look good in these sunglasses. - Me
- Yeah, they hide your face. - Dad
- Nice shirt, Nick; is it yours? - Sarah
Well, the fitness guy said I was in pretty good shape, other than the fact that I have no endurance and am obese. - Dad, Wednesday, August 17, 2005 8:36 PM
You can tell actors by that glazed look in their eyes when the conversation wanders away from them. - Eugenio's AOL profile ('O3-'04 or '04-'05?)

Random Stuff

"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking." - Homework Away Messages
"ambiguous homosexuality is fine with many, but flagrant is fine with few..." - Me, 12:52 AM talking with a friend about Spongebob
"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles, "The End"
"Bad case of the Mondays? That's why Lord Chaos invented CAT COFFEE!" - 8-bit Theater (wish I could find the exact comic)
"Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!" - Homer Simpson
"Be realistic, demand the impossible." - Rayquazza from Gaia
"BLARG! I AM DEAD!" - Fighter, 8-bit Theater, Episode 009: What the thief says...
"Brave men run in my family." - Bob Hope
- Peter: "You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here, now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches above the floor so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin."
- Brian: "... Can I buy some pot from you?" - from Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"
"Carpets are for people that don't have enough dirty clothes." - Me
"China, you know, it's filled with Asian people." - Hoss, during Quick Change improv 6/6/05
"Come on, David, pick a letter! ...it doesn't take a genius! There are twenty-four, pick one!" - My older brother
"Dope" is not an adjective. - Maddox
"Every year, over 500 universes are destroyed when someone abuses the power of cheese."
"Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at." - Bob Hope
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program" - css
"Freedom is not free; free men are not equal, and equal men are not free." - Richard Cotton
"Gah! Transsexuals disturb the balance of... err, sex." - Esuri, from Gaia
"Give your children these two things. One is roots, the other, wings." - css
- "Guess what?!" - Me
- "What?" - My younger brother
- "Thank you!" - Me
(Watching Star Wars Episode II, Yoda vs. Count Doku. Yoda whips out his lightsaber and the battle commences.)
- "Oo, nice. How do you fight a little midget?" - Mom
- "Swing lower?" - David
"I am guessing that it is a human head?" - Artificial Intelligence during a Guessing Game
"I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN!" - 8-bit Theater
- "I didn't want to say this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl." - Mr. Krabs
- "... am I a pretty girl...?" - Spongebob, from "One Krabs Trash"
"I don't have issues, I have the whole subscription." - css
"I don't like Vanilla Cokes in the morning. There's something in it that makes it vanilla..." - Older brother
"i tend to think big, and attempt to accomplish the improbable..." - me
"If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." - Ben Franklin, Knowledge News
"In order to make good in your chosen task, it's important to have someone you want to do it for. The greatest moments in life are not concerned with selfish achievements but rather with the things we do for people we love and esteem, and whose respect we need." - Walt Disney (from Josh's email signature)
"I invented eating, you know. Singlehandedly solved starvation." - King Steve, 8-bit Theater, Episode 455: Self-Fulfilling Stupidity
"I M A G I N A T I O N - It's the only way you'll escape the hell hole that is your life." - 8-bit Theater
"I must assume that you hold intelligent discourse in the highest contempt, otherwise you would not assail against it daily." -- Black Mage, Episode 512: BRB
"I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you want?" - css
"I once made breakfast out of cold pizza and half and half." - Homestar Runner
"I put the F-U in fun! - Mr. Carpenter, my phys.ed teacher."
"I think there's a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 - The Everything Computer Book by John K. Waters
"It is not known if the frequency of homosexuality is higher than in the wild, where telling the sexes apart is tough"- Researchers find gay penguins in Japanese aquariums: report
"I wanted to be a detective. It only took brains, courage and a gun - and I had the gun." Bob Hope
"I will instruct you on how to make a wet computer out of Strongbad's computer..." - Homestar Runner
"If I get the electric chair, my agent gets 10 percent of the current." - Bob Hope
"If your age consists of a single digit, DON'T SEND ME EMAIL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING." - Maddox
"If you're not a liberal at 20, you have no heart. If you're not a Conservative by 40, you have no brain."
"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids." - css
- "I thought you were supposed to get a haircut today!" - Dad
- "... I did! ... right here." - Older brother
- "It is really a crazy world we live in." - a the Anti-PETA Yahoo Group member
- "Oh, I dunno if it's the place so much as the inhabitants." - Me
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible" - J-Mag, Walt Disney
"It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this." - Bob Hope
"It's not about driving; it's about being driven by what's inside."
"I've been chased by women before, but not while I was awake." - Bob Hope
"Look, mommy! That man is understanding his umbrella!" - A l i n a from a thread at Gaia.
"Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding." - Hobbes, Jan 25th
"My act is known all over Europe. That's why I'm taking it to America." - Bob Hope
"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance" - css
"My name isn't Elmo; don't tickle me!" - Me, 2004 (after 3rd period World Geography)
"Nobody should throw a 70-year-old man to the ground, period." - Police investigating bullpen brawl
"neck ties got drunk, and after illegitimately fathering bow-ties vomited up high heels =/" - me at midnight...
"Next we will ask you about your hopes, dreams and fears." - HarrisPollOnline(TM)
"Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants." - http://www.realultimatepower.net/
"Oh, I wish I was a girl so I could fight over me." - Bob Hope
"On a scale from one to awesome, I'm super-great!" - Strong Bad
"Organized people are just too lazy to look for things." - a shirt my mother bought Nick for Christmas
"Pride? Hell, I scream my OWN name during sex."
"Remember, kids. With great power comes great opportunity to ABUSE that power." "'NUFF SAID!" - Spiderman & Brian C.
"Remember, you can't hug with medieval arms." - 8-bit Theater: Episode 503: An Inside Job
"Remember, you guys, your salaries are paid by the tax payers, and I may be one some day." Bob Hope
"She says things like one time, when I'm normally not listening. It's not fair if I don't listen." - Brock Carter, 7th period Senior English, protesting when Ms. Wankerl checked for an assignment he didn't do at the end of the year.
"Success is always something that you have to recover from." - Marsha Norman
"SWORD SWORD SWORD SWORDITY ... SWORD, SWORDITY SWORD SWORD SWORD GIRL, SWORDITY SWORD ..." Fighter from 8-bit Theater
"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure." - Murphy's Law - Josh's away message
"The girls call me Pilgrim because every time I dance with one, I make a little progress." Bob Hope
"The women looked pretty, except when you got near them, but they were very clumsy about the waist." - Bram Stoker's Dracula, Chapter 1
"The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" - xterm, bash.org
"The weather is here, wish you were beautiful" - Jimmy Buffett
"They tell me he was so crooked that when he died they had to screw him into the ground." - Bob Hope
"Those eyes, they're beautiful - and they match." - Bob Hope to Dorothy Lamour
"To say a man does mad things because he is mad is merely unintelligent and stupid." - Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie's The ABC Murders, page 189
"Trust me woman, if I could walk on water, I'd take you out to the middle of a lake and hold you under until the bubbles stopped!" - Stewie on being told by Lois that he wasn't acting like Jesus, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas", Family Guy
"Welcome to Earth! Get The Hell Out!" - Acts of Gord - The Book of Annoyances
- "Well, you have a smartass mouth!" - Dad
- "Yeah, that's 'cause I'm so smart that not all of it can come out my butt!" - Me
- "Yeah, that's why you talk shit." - Mom
"What excuse does Paul McCartney have to be bored?" - Me
"What have you done TO Jesus, FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus today? (Mother Theresa wrote that we should ask ourselves that every nite)" - Our choir director, Mary
- "Why do something today that can be put off 'til tomorrow?" - Squidward
- "What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?" - Mr. Krabs
"When you gotta do somethin' wrong, you gotta do it right!" - Fighter
"Yeah, all the guys love me. It's 'cause I have size C charisma." - La Fwee
"...you can curse if you want; we paid good money to curse out loud..." - Pantera, "Cemetary Gates" from Nathan's Radio
"YOU + WEBCAM - CLOTHES - DIGNITY = $$$" - Maddox
"You still have your hourglass figure, my dear, but most of the sand has gone to the bottom." - Bob Hope
"You're a ****in' jacket; get on the truck!" - Dennis Leary
- "You're such a ****in' smartass." - My older brother
- "Would you rather I be a dumbass like you?" - Me
(^ ',')^ ¬<(¤ ¤<) TACOWNED!!!
.....Black holes are where God divided by zero.....
...AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: REMOVE ALL CLOTHING WHEN LIGHT GOES OUT
...if it makes noise and will toss something further than you can throw it, guys love it.
...It's hard to talk with 6" of knife sticking out of your face. Mostly they just gurgle. And bleed. - Black Mage, 8-bit Theater
It fits on your back, It's good for a snack, IT'S LOG! LOG! LOG! It's Log! It's big! It's Heavy! It's wood! It's Log! It's Log! It's better than bad; it's good! - "The Ren & Stimpy Show"
...they told me to get a life, but I didn't know where to download it from... - someone from Mousepad's forums
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 whoa 0_o
A li'l nonsense now and then is treasured by the wisest men... - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Ahhh!!! The turkey! It's purple!! And floating.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Arrogance lends to blindness, and progresses to a mental illness.
Attention is directly proportional to intelligence. IE, stupid people never listen. - Mousepad
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A woman who is beautiful but lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout. - Proverbs 11:22
Be nice to the people you meet on the way up; you'll be meeting the same people on the way down.
Be yourself or others might think you're possessed.
Being a pessimist is always easy. Either you are right, or you are pleasantly surprised.
Bob Hope on a fancy apartment: "That's what I like. Everything done in contrasting shades of money."
Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
Comments: My comments will be about how the commentator's comments were very common. - Me
Conformity is the jailer of freedom, and the enemy of growth.
Confucious say, "If you got hit by a parked car you deserved it."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to prevent a lawsuit.
Do Your Own Research! Smoking Kills! Do not put your pet in the microwave!
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Earthquakes don't kill people; buildings kill people.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Everyone wants to be leader, but no one wants to lead. - Anna
Family Guy Quotations
Fear is a very real crippler but it can also be a very real motivator. - June
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." - Bob Hope
Flying is the art of throwing your self at the ground... and missing.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
God is good, god is great, god invented, number eight... er... O.o
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." - Bob Hope
Graphics are boatiful. I say boatiful because they are beyond beautiful, and boats are pretty neat. - A game review at GameFAQs.com
Greatness can be measured in arguments won. - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
Guns don't kill people... Apes with guns kill people!
Guns kill people like a spoon made Rosie O'Donnell fat.
Ha... a tort due to negligence of intelligence! - Me during Business Economics, in regard to a textbook example of a guy accidentally burning down his neighbor's house due to a phone call...
Hackers are those guys that come up to your house on Saturday afternoons and ask to do yard work.
Had a friend that was a devote agnostic. He knew for certain he didn't know there was a God.
He's nice to everybody because he was taught that man is made in God's image.
He's never met God in person and the next fella just might be him. - biography of Red Skelton
He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes. He who does not is a fool for eternity.
Hey, there, everypeoples! I'm Bubs. I'm a self-made man, I am I am! - Bubs, homestarrunner.com
HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE? ARGH! YOU'RE STABBING ME REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE! - 8-bit Theater
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
How important does a person have to be before they are assassinated instead of just murdered?
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=poser for some phat lingo...
I am the magical Depressed, Gay Fairy! I grant morbid wishes. Ph33r me
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
I don't understand why people don't use Instant Messengers....they're FREE TELEPHONES FOR COMPUTERS! - Me (then they actually developed free telephones for computers...)
I draw, type, write, sing, play, make, design and eat. I do the work, you pay me. $1/min
I drive like lightning: I hit trees.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." - Bob Hope
I have a girlfriend problem. I rolled over and tore her seam, now she won't inflate properly.
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." - Bob Hope
I just found out today on the news that looking in the controls menu/manual is not fatal.
The Little Rascals:
- You mean you haven't given up ... yet? - Spanky
- Nope! I'm a slave to my art! - Alfalfa
I print my posts out and rub them against my body. - someone from GameFAQs
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." - Bob Hope
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." - Bob Hope
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If AOL was a doctor's office, it'd be charged with malpractice. - cam50douglas, http://forums.mozillazine.org/
If everything is going your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
If I believed in cruelty to animals, you'd be dead already.
"If I can make it threw life without getting stabbed, than I win!"
If I feed a party-pooper a laxative, would I get a game of Monopoly? - Me
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If we took what intelligence you have and tripled it... you'd still be a retard.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass...
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, lasting until you realize it was your money to start
IT Deo'nst mttaer wcihh way I Tpye, Tish wlil be udnertsood. (Note that 'be' is spelled correctly...)
It's a bad day when you call the suicide hot line and they put you on hold.
It's not getting what you want; it's wanting what you've got.
It's not whether you are paranoid. It's whether you are paranoid enough.
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring; the referee kept stepping on them." - Bob Hope
Joan Collins: "I could love you body and soul." Bob Hope: "They're available - in that order."
Keep watch only for the giants and you'll be eaten by the ants.
Lack of a sense of humor will not be tolerated. Anyone having no sense of humor will be laughed at.
Let me get my hands on your mammary glands. - Burgalveist is teh sucks
Let's see what's in the box! Nothing! Absolutly nothing! Stupid! You're so stupid!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Lighten your load by doing less work. - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
Live for today. Yesterday doesn't exist and cannot be changed. Tomorrow doesn't exist and may not. - my mom
LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you're an idiot.
Love is a weakness, yes, but true love is an unconquerable strength.
Make something that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Me making up rules, including rules that may contradict other rules, is allowed in the rules.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. - Mitch Hedberg
nah, i like it when it's chunky. it's spreadable, and it's edible. - Meatwad, Aqua Teen
Never buy a used car! My friend got one once....ten years later, BAM! Herpes! - Family Guy
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
O_o v__v ^__^ !__! $___$ %__% &__& *__* X__X +__+ ?__? <__< >_> :( :) XP XO :{ :} {..} (><) (@@)...
Ociffer! Ociffer! I swear to drunk I am not God!
Oh, heyo. Greetings, one and everyone. Welcome to ME! HOMESTAR... RUNNER... Homestar Runner.
Ok...*searches web for the meaning of life* *search complete....no matches found* Now what?!
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Out of my mind...back in 15 minutes...
Pain is weakness leaving your body. - A Marine's T-Shirt
pedestrian always has right of way... except for when you're in the way. - Meatwad's instructions from Master Shake, Aqua Teen
People say I'm heartless. They're wrong. I have the heart of a young lad...in a jar on my desk.
Please excuse my typos: I type too fast for my own good.
Political correctness is giving up the right to free speech.
Power corrupts. Power failure corrupts absolutely. - Wikipedia after losing 170gb to a power failure.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Remember that time you lied to your mom? - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Someone's screenname I saw once: Infelicitous_Perspicuity
Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.
Sort of hard to support musicians by stealing what they produce =/ - Me (6:14:47 PM)
Spinner's latest bribe is rebuffed by the judges as are Stardog's threats against family members.
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Start a little fire. A little one! - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
Sticks and stones may break my bones but... Christ, he's got a gun!!
Stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibilities.
Switching soaps cold turkey will give you a rash. - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." - Bob Hope
The blood drive is nothing more than a pyramid scheme headed by Dracula's fiends in order to resurrect him...
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The Gord likes to remind people that second place is just the first loser." - www.actsofgord.com
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." - Bob Hope
The line that seperates good and evil blurs when faced with the power of life and death
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
The only thing more idiotic than stupidity is believing that stupidity can be defeated by reason.
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.-GKChesterton
The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
The righteous man has regard for the life of his beast, but tender mercies of the wicked are cruel. - the Bible
The truth is, banana peels just aren't that slippery. - http://www.homestarrunner.com/fortune.html
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary and
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
There are some dishes under your bed that you should just throw away.
There's an episode of Spongebob Squarepants called "Krusty Love." Think about that for a minute. - Me
There's nothing right in my left brain. There's nothing left in my right brain.
The only failure in life is suicide. - Me
There's this game at the arcade. You put in 1 dollar, and it gives you 4 quarters. I win everytime!
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure." - Bob Hope
This is the sig virus. Copy and Paste to your sig and join the fun. - from a message board at GameFAQs.com
This isn't slave labor. In slave labor, you get fed.
This message contains Sarcasm! ...and the previous sentence is false.
To live is like to love - all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct is for it.
Today is the tommorow we feared yesterday.
Truly, I'm an angel! The horns just hold up the halo! - someone's sig at Gaia
Trying is the first step to failure.
Trying to finding porn on KaZaA is like trying to find air while sky-diving.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population
War is not about dying for your country, it's about making sure the other ******* dies for his.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." - Bob Hope
Welcome to Homestarrunner.net!' ('It's dot com!') Oh, wight. Homestarrunner.net, 'It's dot com! - Homestar Runner.com Welcome Speech
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you say when the devil sneezes?
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or sore as hell. One of the two. - Me
- 22:41:15 - Me: what gets bigger the more you take away from it?
- 22:44:44 - Tom: i'm going for "Star" here
- 22:45:36 - Me: huh?
- 22:46:06 - Tom: the more density you take from a star, the bigger it gets
- 22:46:30 - Me: ...
- 22:46:35 - Me: i was thinking of a hole, actually.
What's so good about Christianity is that it's not a religion, but a reality. - rockmanx
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'." - Bob Hope
When my time comes, I want to go kicking and screaming; I want to be Ctrl Alt Deleted to death!
When one's parents are rich, growing up is optional. - Slippy Jenkins.
Whoever said "Nothing is Impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.
Why can't they make a spellcheck program that tells you when you a word out?
Why is Ganon so fat? What could he be eating in that pyramid? - GameFAQs
Why not try some moldy bread? You might not vomit. - Homestar Runner Fortune Cookies
Window shades: The government's solution to make you feel safe. - drivehappy
Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they have to say something.
Would a cannibal be any more civilized if we taught him to use a knife and fork?
Would you like to take the stupid test? If so, CLICK HERE!
You are where brain cells go to die.
You can't spell Slaughter without laughter...
You could go back to playing that medieval analog RPG game for two players. It's called chess. - Mousepad's Forums
You don't have to swim faster than the shark - just faster than the person you're with. - Pod20, G
you know what cracks me up.. trojan condoms, hehe.. I mean if you think about it, a trojan horse was really full off all these little men, and it was a trick to get them inside the fortress.. once inside, the horse BUSTS open, and all the little men come flowing out - http://bash.org/?5489
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill". - Bob Hope
You will spot a food store with your name. You aren't related. - Homestar Runner fortune cookie
You're so unlucky that when you buy a cemetary, people stop dying!
[Principal begins stricter discipline at the high school. Written on bathroom stall:] Mr Green is a faschist! [backwards nazi symbol]

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This page was last modified Monday, 04-Aug-2008 02:00:38 EDT.